Alive
by Trapped-in-your-asylum
Summary: What I envisioned to have happened after Bernard's breakdown after they were caught. Helmholtz/Bernard


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters nor the Brave New world.

Pairings: Helmholtz x Bernard

Bernard has always despised Helmholtz, he always acted superior, and with magnanimity that seemed to suggest that he was above Bernard, above the Brave New World and above everything. But, at the same time, his friendship gives him a sense of pride that nothing else could possibly give him, that a superior being like Helmholtz- yes, he acknowledged the other's superiority- would chose him as a close confidant and friend above all other well-functioning Alphas who would love to foster such a friendship with him. It gives him a sense of self worth in their friendship, despite knowing sometimes Helmholtz pities him.

Bernard knew that he was always trying hard to prove his worth out of his own insecurity, while Helmholtz knew as a matter of fact that he is above another person's reproach, and that he was superior.

That is probably why something nagged him when he saw John and Helmholtz interact, yes, he was out of their picture, he who always masquerades as a fake intellectual, a fake outsider- is distinct from the other two. The other two felt they were too superior for the order created by the Brave New World, while Bernard felt he was too inferior for the order created by the Brave New World. He knew that Helmholtz would know his insufficiency once he found someone other than Bernard who can talk to him about new things, interesting things, and about not fitting in.

Perhaps that is the only time he truly envied John, for whatever quirks he may possess. He envied the fact that Helmholtz fancied him more than the fact that Lenina is truly enamored with him, and he shuddered more at the thought of the platonic laughter accompanied with a soft pat in the shoulder amidst feverish discussion of poems which he cannot intrude rather than the thought of Lenina's pneumatic body devoured by that unknown savage.

So, when Helmholtz came to him in his soma-induced condition, he pretended that he felt nothing.

"Bernard." Helmholtz called, in that soft, chiding voice that he possessed. He wondered how many women long to be in Helmholtz' embrace, and how his face looked when he was at the peak of intercourse, would he keep that calm, morose and somber demeanor he always retained? Or would he look exalted and prideful? Helmholtz was holding to his hand, he realized.

Bernard looked away from the probing eyes of his friend, his eyes felt teary all of a sudden. "It is all your fault."

He heard a soft sigh from Helmholtz, and Bernard felt his palm and fingers being intertwined with Helmholtz. Bernard felt a similar sensation of choking, and a burning in his chest. "I don't want to be sent to Iceland. I really don't." But, what he really wanted to say was, _Are you fonder of that savage more than me?_

"We can still write letters, can we?" Bernard asked, uncertain than ever. Stupid as it is, he liked to read Helmholtz poems even though sometimes he can only half understand them.

Then he felt Helmholtz' other hand on his cheek, and a soft sensation touches his lips.

"Of course, dear Bernard." Helmholtz had just kissed him, and he felt another urge rising between his thighs. Helmholtz was actually his secret ideal of an alpha male, ever so dashing, ever so intelligent. He suddenly felt his eyes watering, but Helmholtz kissed him again, still in the soft manner that somehow suited the melancholic mood.

He now understood why girls ran chasing after this man to bed them, and secretly he wondered if Helmholtz would have kissed the savage as well.

"I am- so petty." He said, within hiccups, an emotional lapse is really unbecoming, he needed more somas. "I hate you, I really do."

By now, Helmholtz was embracing him, running his hands over his hair. He now felt his diminutive figure to be an advantage, because it allowed him to be embraced by all of Helmholtz. He realized that when he embraced Lenina, he simply felt as if he was a king of the world, and that he was normal. But, with Helmholtz he felt he was above normal, and there was a feeling of dirty redemption that he truly did not deserve. "Bernard, you know, you are kind of attractive in your own way." Helmholtz mused, in his own detached way. Kissing the boy again, he murmured, "I will miss you, you know."

Bernard gave a little moan, he started to understand by what the savage mean by love- by wanting someone so badly. He remembered how Lenina did not understand when he said that they should not directly have sex, because it would cheapen the act.

Melancholic Helmholtz understood, he thought. That's why he tires of those women.

"Is it weird, Bernard, that I came to see what Juliet- the silly book that John reads- means." As Bernard burrows his head on Helmholtz' nape, he felt a sort of hardness touching his thigh from Helmholtz. Its the passion of yearning that is so uncommon in them- so paradoxical that incites them now. "Silly boy, I will be in Falkland Islands. You will forget about me, surely. But, I will write a book about the things I have not been able to create before- to incite from my own head."

When they come together, Bernard knew, that as much as he hated Helmholtz, he loved him.

xxx

Inspired by a few lines from the book:

 _"Yes, we're off to-morrow," said Bernard on whose face the Savage remarked a new expression of determined resignation. "And by the way, John," he continued, leaning forward in his chair and laying a hand on the Savage's knee,_

 _"I want to say how sorry I am about everything that happened yesterday." He blushed. "How ashamed," he went on, in spite of the unsteadiness of his voice, "how really ." The Savage cut him short and, taking his hand, affectionately pressed it._

 _"Helmholtz was wonderful to me," Bernard resumed, after a little pause. "If it hadn't been for him, I should ."_

 _"Now, now," Helmholtz protested._

 _There was a silence. In spite of their sadness-because of it, even; for their sadness was the symptom of their love for one another-the three young men were happy._

and

 _"And I had six girls last week," he confided to Helmholtz Watson. "One on Monday, two on Tuesday, two more on Friday, and one on Saturday. And if I'd had the time or the inclination, there were at least a dozen more who were only too anxious ."_

 _Helmholtz listened to his boastings in a silence so gloomily disapproving that Bernard was offended._

 _"You're envious," he said._

 _Helmholtz shook his head. "I'm rather sad, that's all," he answered._

 _Bernard went off in a huff. Never, he told himself, never would he speak to Helmholtz again._


End file.
